GUY CONSTANTLY MAKING PENN STATE JOKES IS KINDA CREEPY

Guy at the end of every bar.

In the words of modern-day Wordsworth Dane Cook, there is one person in every group of friends that nobody likes.  And Stu Klimek of Lancaster, PA might be the gold medal winner.  Klimek, a lifelong Penn State football fan and current safety chief for his brother Phil’s construction crew, spends the majority of his time making jokes about the Penn State-Jerry Sandusky scandal.  ”We all giggled at the first one,” said bartender Jessup. “It relieved some of the tension.  But it’s all the time with this guy… it’s… I don’t now.”

Klimek clearly does not realize how much he is alienating his former bar mates; every joke, comment continues to regard the current situation at the University.  Despite numerous protests, which started merely as moving one to two bar stools down and have escalated to minute grumbles and and the occasional loud cough, Klimek is not getting it.

“You don’t hear great comedians like Dane Cook saying that s***!” yelled Anibelle, one of the waitresses at McGill’s, the bar everyone in Lancaster frequents.  ”Mr. Cook brings the funny using class and cleverness.”

“He is becoming everything he’s laughing at,” says local bar patron Al.  Just Al.  ”He’s the creepy guy now.  Unlike Dane Cook, a guy who knows funny inside and out.  Who’d make fun of that?  It’s not funny.  Anyone who has cracked a single joke is a weirdo.  Yes.  Everyone.  Even a small little jab just to deal with it makes you officially a bad person.  Going to down to hell probably.”

Going down to hell?  Sounds like a name for the movie about OH GODDAMMIT!

This is a photo of Not-A-Douche

Ed Note: Someone needs to make us laugh again.  When’s the next Dane cook special?  No old Dane Cook.  Yeah I like his old stuff.  Hey what’s Carlos Mencia doing these days? 

 

FAVRE IMPERSONATOR GIVEN SWIFT JUSTICE

Police brutally assaulted a Brett Favre look-a-like outside Packers camp early this morning. Reports say while the police were “ninety percent sure” he was not Favre, they did not want to take any chances. The man in question is lifelong Packers fan Kirk Ermatinger. Ermatinger acknowledged the strained relationship between his team and their former QB, but defended his Favre jersey claiming “it’s the only one I own.”

"I'm sorry officer... Brett Who?"

Defensive back Anthony Bratton caught a glance of the fan but assumed it was a mirage. “I thought my mind was playing tricks with me. Must’ve been the heat.”

It was not until Ermatinger was caught on security cameras did law enforcement swoop in. The man was escorted from the facility and heavily questioned. While he had identification, officers at the scene confirmed it looked “flimsy at best.” The officers were ordered to take “zero leniency” and do “anything and everything necessary to eliminate number 4.”

Kinda like this only they all had cheeseheads on

Kirk Ermatinger was escorted by police to a nearby pond and shot twelve times. When Ermatinger survived the initial wounds, multiple officers finished him off citing: “Brett’s come back too many times. He’s like f***ing Jason or something.”

While the real Favre insists he is retired and Green Bay insists they have no need for another quarterback, security has been beefed up around the practice facility to keep the larger than life ex-QB out. Packers GM Ted Thompson encourages other teams to do the same.

Alright, stab the virgins on 2. Ready? Break!

Deadspin.com broke the initial story.

*Related: Brett Favre Rise 

- Mike Sweeney