After years of dominating on and off the field, the New York Yankees finally admit they are not quite sure why more money does not make players “better.” Owner Hank Steinbrenner, president Randy Levine and GM Brian Cashman stared at one another blankly through a confusing press conference as all three were visibly stunned. “We’ve been doing this a long time and after years of research, we’ve discovered no matter how much money a player receives, he will typically perform as he usually performs. Sometimes better but shockingly, sometimes worse,” said Cashman reading enthusiastically from his report.
I'm telling you, this Betancourt fella is the next Mantle!
Steinbrenner took it a step further: “When you sign a guy to lots of money, that means he is the best ever.” The crowd of reporters nodded to the obviousness. “But we’ve found many players do not excel despite the money they have. Look at Giambi, Burnett. Makes no sense.” Furthermore, there is no solution in sight. “We’re not sure how to remedy this… possibly more money? Or make the money somehow ‘better.’”
Cashman than listed a few examples: Jaret Wright, Carl Pavano, Jason Giambi, Kyle Farnsworth*, Javier Vazquez, Kevin Brown, Randy Johnson, Rafael Soriano, AJ Burnett, Javier Vazquez,**Pudge Rodriguez. He ended the list by saying “etcetera” twelve times. “A-Rod’s the highest paid player in
Everyone gets a Hug!
the league and… I’ll just say it, his best days may possibly be behind him.”
The room trembled, shook and grumbled at this last realization.Reporters immediately had questions: “Then why give them that money?” “Are you overvaluing players?” “Everything I once held dear is meaningless!”
The executives tried to calm the crowd by saying their beloved athletes are not overpaid, just exponentially compensated. “They’ll do their best as we lower our expectations and take it all in stri…” Immediately Marcos Ramblin of the Post
throw threw a Molotov Cocktail screaming: “Who watches the Watchmen!!!”
- Mike Sweeney
*Ran out of links