Daily Archives: April 3, 2012

TODAY IN OVEREXPOSED WOMEN’S SPORTS

Posted on by femaledemographic

Let’s just dive right in, shall we?

Chastain, with shirt buckled in, defeats MJ at golf.

  • According to her Twitter feed, Venus Williams had to write a paper. And it was hard. And apparently about math.

I'd rather be tennising.

  • And as if winning fancy golf tournaments and writing on a deadline wasn’t enough for them, it appears that females are ruining sports, in general.(Though you probably already knew that.) Thanks to the allegedly questionable fashion choices on the part of some lady journos, Major League Baseball announced at the end of last year that they will be instigating and enforcing a new dress code policy for media members, presumably set to kick in with the start of the 2012-2013 season. The new guidelines are the result of a pow-wow held by MLB officials in response to a September 2010 incident regarding a) The New York Jets and 2) a Mexican TV reporter. According to one, good-for-nothing girl writer, things have gotten “a little too casual” out at the ol’ ball game. So if any of you were hoping to spy an errant bra-strap or a little extra leg during post-game interviews, well you can just forget it. Better luck watching NFL or NBA coverage, because, let’s face it: anything goes in those two dens of vipers.

So now you know what the ladies have been up to. Check back next week for some more pillow talk and your weekly dose of sports as social commentary (hint: it will probably have something to do with some old broad whose color palette may or may not include “Masters Green”).

NASCAR ALLOWS FIGHTING

Posted on by This Is The Sports

My chin is actually a hand leading into an arm leading into another person. My chin is a person.

NASCAR has finally legalized fighting.  Drivers may pull over mid race, exit their vehicles and throw punches at each other like frat boys after 6 Natty’s.  For years now fans have been begging Nascar to allow drivers to physically assault each other.  In a recent poll, 63% of fans claim the driving is the part they like the least.  Many drivers claim they also feel driving distracts from a crucial part of Nascar: rednecks assaulting each other.

Fighting used to be allowed in the late ’70′s.  Drivers could exit their vehicles, remove gloves, slap challenge and then throw down.  Legendary driver Dale Eanhardt famously drove through anyone willing to fight, hence his first dozen wins.  Uncomfortably, every driver unanimously picked Danica Patrick as the person they most want to fight.

CREEPERS MAKE LONG TRIP TO SOFTBALL SPRING TRAINING

Posted on by This Is The Sports

Local creepers are packing their windowless vans and reserving their damp motel rooms to make it to softball spring training in Florida.  The nation’s creepers spent all winter growing out their fingernails, watching late night infomercials and drinking week old milk all while pining for the days of spring; now that softball season is about to begin, these creepers have a reason to go outside again.  ”Mumble, grumble, mumble I like the game and the skirts, good to… in the… I like watching,” says creeping legend Abe.  Just Abe.

Just to save time most creepers use their mugshots as team photos

Creepers use this time to train for the upcoming softball season; many prepare their parking techniques on the side of the highway, arriving six hours early to a softball game, trying on new windbreaker jackets, and, of course, experimenting with new and innovative lensing.  ”Most old timers stick with the classic binocular look,” says 47 creep up and comer Cody Lassater.  ”But us young pups prefer telephoto lensing, some even use straight up telescopes. Those are the radicals changing this game.”

Others are experimenting with camouflage outfits, hiding low in the grass for a more “deep in shit” feel.

The new technology has elevated their game

Most creepers spend the off season getting some much needed relaxation before returning to training; but some take year round care of their minds and bodies.  ”You always want to be able to… perform, so to speak,” says Wisconsin creeper Joseph Klinski.  ”You got to creep year round.  Indoor soccer, local Y basketball, never want to let your swing get out of whack or binocular hold get tilted.  Always want to be ready to watch people perform at their best at your best.”

When asked what she thought of the creepers, University of Maryland centerfielder Kasey Horn said “um…”

Just then, Abe, Just Abe, parallel parked right into a parking meter, almost falling out of the car in embarrassment.  Even for the future hall of famers, it is only spring training.

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