Monthly Archives: April 2012

BLACK NASCAR DRIVER PULLED OVER MID-RACE

Posted on by This Is The Sports

African American Nascar driver David Thornton was pulled over mid-race during yesterday as he competed for a Sprint Cup Series win.  A police car swerved onto the track, sirens blazing, and pulled over the young man claiming he was “speeding.”  Nascar officials say they always have a police officer on the premises and this should not be a shock.  Thornton protested that he was going “slower than a bunch guys” to no avail.

Officer Pimberry's charger made my Dodge; he came in 12th overall bumping himself up 2 spots in the standings.

The officer in question, Clay Pimberry: “Yeah we had a young, African American male, 20-25, speeding away in a car riddled with graffiti and logos speeding somewhere along the lines of 200, 220 miles per hour.  I pulled him over, he was wearing a helmet. I asked him wher ehe bought it. He said he was in a hurry and I asked him to step out of the car and he said he needed 5 or 6 of his ‘crew’ to help him do that. That’s when I requested backup.”

Thornton spent the evening in prison and his car was towed.  He will dropped 3 spots in the standings.

On the matter, fellow Nascar driver Kyle Busch said “awesome.”

Congratulations, Coach Summitt

Posted on by femaledemographic

Upon news of her pseudo-retirement, legendary Tennessee Lady Vols basketball coach Pat Summitt was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by the country’s First Bastketball Fan. Summitt’s impact on the game has been inestimable, and there’s really nothing to say other than: Congratulations Coach, and thanks for all you’ve done.

*Graph brought to you by Microsoft Paint™ and the We Don’t Know How Graphs Work, Co.

PREDATORS FAN AT NASCAR EVENT TELLS EVERYONE TO “PIPE DOWN”

Posted on by This Is The Sports

"GO PREDATORS!!!"

Local Nashville Predators superfan Larry “The Winger” Wangor demanded everyone in his section at a recent Nascar race to “pipe down! The Predators are on!”  Wangor watched his favorite sports franchise on his iPhone wearing his lucky overalls and straw hat, necessary attire for Nashville’s biggest hockey fan.  While the rest of the crowd continues cheering as automobiles flew by at speeds north of 200 miles an hour, Wangor did his best to remind everyone the Predators defense is better than everyone thinks and their depth holds up against anyone.

No one listened.

Keep cheering Wangor.  When the Predators are home and you are sitting front row center ice, I guarantee they will hear your cheering.

IDIOT FAN CONVINCED ORIOLES HAVE A SHOT THIS YEAR

Posted on by This Is The Sports

The Luchidor in question

Some Idiot Fan in Baltimore is convinced the Orioles, 6-4 and leading the AL East, have a shot to win it all this year.  This moron does not care that it is only 10 games, he will not relent: “If their pitching can just hold it together they’ll be fine,” says the fucking retard.  ”Adam Jones and Wieters are good for 30 homers a piece, and Markakis is definitely going to put it together.”

The fan would not listen to any sports analysts, his friends or common logic when discussing the squad.  ”The Sox got all this drama, Yanks are old, Rays just don’t scare me…” When reminded of the Blue Jays, a team many think could win another division outside the AL East, this dipshit said he was not convinced.

He then tried to get the wave going amongst his fellow fans, all of whom were actually rooting for the visiting Tigers.

Stupid motherfucker is also psyched for the Redskins.

The fan section

1998 NHL PLAYOFFS ENDS!

Posted on by This Is The Sports

BREAKING: After a thrilling 14 year sprint, the Detroit Red Wings have won the 1998 Stanley Cup Finals!

The Red Wings faced a brutal 168 month schedule tackling some of the best teams in the sport; however, they prevailed defeating the 2004 Washington Capitals in a four game sweep.  The NHL playoffs are a complicated one: each series is a 7 game matchup, which including off days can take quite a lot of time.  But it is all worth it says defensemen Bob Rouse: “it really makes you remember what’s important, what you put all that hard work in for.”  Rouse’s 14 year old son approached the man for a hug; he did not recognize him and skated away.

Considering half the squad is senior citizens, they look pretty good

Many criticize the NHL for stretching the playoffs too long, diluting some of the talent solely for profits.  If you’ve spent the last 14 years glued to the television watching 1998′s post season, you’d disagree.

The Red Wings are set to start the 1999 season tomorrow.

HASHTAG PLAYOFFS: WHAT TO EXPECT FROM NHL

Posted on by This Is The Sports

Here’s our quick rundown of the NHL’s 2012 race to the Stanley Cup:

  • Team hipsters, such as Patrick Hornqvist, to wear playoff beards ironically.
  • Rangers will flaunt their red, white and blue jerseys exclaiming scoring on them is akin to 9/11.  Only the English speaking players will understand this.
  • Penguins and Flyers will spend bus trips exploring everything that Pennsylvania has to offer.
  • Numerous analysts describe the Florida Panthers as the “Tebow Broncos” so fans understand they should not be here.
  • Don Cherry’s tailor will keep giving him suits that call attention to his devastating mental illness.

Stop laughing and call a f***ing doctor!

  • Your friend who knows nothing about hockey will keep saying “got to ride the hot goalie, got to ride it.”‘
  • Bounty scandal will ensure hundreds of players get the NHL’s strictest punishment: 5 minutes.
  • Literally everyone will have a concussion.
  • Coyotes goalie Mike Smith to try and avoid fights by forcing players to talk it out over a beer.
  • Coyotes goalie Mike Smith will have beer on him.

DWIGHT HOWARD DENIES WANTING HAM SANDWICH

Posted on by This Is The Sports

In what continues to cause a media stir, Dwight Howard, center for the Orlando Magic had a sarcastic but definitely heated argument with the wait staff at a local Cheesecake Factory when a waitress who asked to remain anonymous served the 4 time all-star a ham sandwich; an order which Dwight Howard promptly said he did not make.

While Mr. Howard was in the bathroom, Orlando Magic power forward Glen Davis help make the order for Dwight. When asking for confirmation about Dwight’s order, Davis responded “miss, I heard it from upper management myself. Dwight Howard would like a cheese sandwich”.

"Mayo... I SAID MAYO!"

As Howard returned and was served his sandwich, he argued and continually denied that he ever made such claims, continually harassing the waitress for her “sources.”  The center claimed all news of his wanting a ham sandwich was “speculation” even citing that he did not want sandwich based foods on a recent episode of PTI.

“Look miss, whatever sandwich orders you hear from others didn’t come from me. My focus is on winning a championship. And curly fries.”  Witnesses also noted Glen Davis immediately left at the table, crumbs on his lip, with no sandwich found.

TODAY IN OVEREXPOSED WOMEN’S SPORTS

Posted on by femaledemographic

Let’s just dive right in, shall we?

Chastain, with shirt buckled in, defeats MJ at golf.

  • According to her Twitter feed, Venus Williams had to write a paper. And it was hard. And apparently about math.

I'd rather be tennising.

  • And as if winning fancy golf tournaments and writing on a deadline wasn’t enough for them, it appears that females are ruining sports, in general.(Though you probably already knew that.) Thanks to the allegedly questionable fashion choices on the part of some lady journos, Major League Baseball announced at the end of last year that they will be instigating and enforcing a new dress code policy for media members, presumably set to kick in with the start of the 2012-2013 season. The new guidelines are the result of a pow-wow held by MLB officials in response to a September 2010 incident regarding a) The New York Jets and 2) a Mexican TV reporter. According to one, good-for-nothing girl writer, things have gotten “a little too casual” out at the ol’ ball game. So if any of you were hoping to spy an errant bra-strap or a little extra leg during post-game interviews, well you can just forget it. Better luck watching NFL or NBA coverage, because, let’s face it: anything goes in those two dens of vipers.

So now you know what the ladies have been up to. Check back next week for some more pillow talk and your weekly dose of sports as social commentary (hint: it will probably have something to do with some old broad whose color palette may or may not include “Masters Green”).

NASCAR ALLOWS FIGHTING

Posted on by This Is The Sports

My chin is actually a hand leading into an arm leading into another person. My chin is a person.

NASCAR has finally legalized fighting.  Drivers may pull over mid race, exit their vehicles and throw punches at each other like frat boys after 6 Natty’s.  For years now fans have been begging Nascar to allow drivers to physically assault each other.  In a recent poll, 63% of fans claim the driving is the part they like the least.  Many drivers claim they also feel driving distracts from a crucial part of Nascar: rednecks assaulting each other.

Fighting used to be allowed in the late ’70′s.  Drivers could exit their vehicles, remove gloves, slap challenge and then throw down.  Legendary driver Dale Eanhardt famously drove through anyone willing to fight, hence his first dozen wins.  Uncomfortably, every driver unanimously picked Danica Patrick as the person they most want to fight.

CREEPERS MAKE LONG TRIP TO SOFTBALL SPRING TRAINING

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Local creepers are packing their windowless vans and reserving their damp motel rooms to make it to softball spring training in Florida.  The nation’s creepers spent all winter growing out their fingernails, watching late night infomercials and drinking week old milk all while pining for the days of spring; now that softball season is about to begin, these creepers have a reason to go outside again.  ”Mumble, grumble, mumble I like the game and the skirts, good to… in the… I like watching,” says creeping legend Abe.  Just Abe.

Just to save time most creepers use their mugshots as team photos

Creepers use this time to train for the upcoming softball season; many prepare their parking techniques on the side of the highway, arriving six hours early to a softball game, trying on new windbreaker jackets, and, of course, experimenting with new and innovative lensing.  ”Most old timers stick with the classic binocular look,” says 47 creep up and comer Cody Lassater.  ”But us young pups prefer telephoto lensing, some even use straight up telescopes. Those are the radicals changing this game.”

Others are experimenting with camouflage outfits, hiding low in the grass for a more “deep in shit” feel.

The new technology has elevated their game

Most creepers spend the off season getting some much needed relaxation before returning to training; but some take year round care of their minds and bodies.  ”You always want to be able to… perform, so to speak,” says Wisconsin creeper Joseph Klinski.  ”You got to creep year round.  Indoor soccer, local Y basketball, never want to let your swing get out of whack or binocular hold get tilted.  Always want to be ready to watch people perform at their best at your best.”

When asked what she thought of the creepers, University of Maryland centerfielder Kasey Horn said “um…”

Just then, Abe, Just Abe, parallel parked right into a parking meter, almost falling out of the car in embarrassment.  Even for the future hall of famers, it is only spring training.

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