Monthly Archives: March 2012

REPORTERS AGREE: SPRING TRAINING IS MEANINGLESS

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It's like a hot high school girlfriend: looks nice, but in eventually won't matter

After a few weeks of intense reporting, speculation and scrutiny, the baseball media has agreed spring training is meaningless.  Rumors swirled earlier last off-season that spring training statistics and performance meant absolutely nothing with regards to a players’ in-season performance; but only recently has it been confirmed.  ”We are stunned to believe the new results that spring training statistics and games are meaningless,” said Spring Traning Coordinator Newt Hammimngs.*  ”We’re willing to appeal this decision and have our good name and reputation returned.”

*Not a type, this fictional man’s last name has three M’s in it.  

All the major media outlets have hordes of journalists working round the clock in Florida or Arizona to get catch and analyze every last useless detail.  It was SBNation editor Jeff Sullivan who discovered the void of meaning.  ”It doesn’t really matter. So… talking about it is… a waste of time?”

Many are contending the results that their hard work, money, hotel rooms, constant typing could be in vain.  In fact, they all wrote 2,000 articles about it.  Lot of words.  About spring training.  And why it is… HAHAHA ANGRY BIRDS!!!

Spring Training contended the spring stats proving a breakout season for Brent Morel.  Yeah.  Sure Brent Morel.  Sure Spring Training.

RORY MCILROY CHARMS SANDTRAP INTO HAVING A DRINK

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Number 1 golfer in the world Rory McIlroy convinced a nearby bunker to let his ball go and have a drink. The charming Irish youngster was laying up on the 14th hole when his ball rolled into the front, steep end of the sandtrap.  The Irishman kept his wits about him and immediately strolled over to the bunker with a clever limerick on hand and followed up with a story about the bunker’s home town, which coincidentally McIlroy’s cousin lives in.

Golf's Don Draper, the bunker must be Roger Sterling...

“Couldn’t believe it,” said The Sandtrap, “small world.”

The bunker spit Rory’s ball onto the green right into the hole for Eagle.

And that's the Christina Hendricks... aw yeah...

MANNING-GATE: MANNING RETURNS PROMISE SWEATBAND BACK TO COLTS

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After being released yesterday quarterback Peyton Manning returned his Promise Sweatband back to the Colts.  The band has the letters PM and IC on it, signifying that the quarterback and franchise would be together forever.  A promise now broken.

Which of these says "forever" to you?

“It was so hard,” said a crying Manning, “but you have to let go to move on.”

Colts officials were seen texting someone after manning left the facility.  When asked who it was, they all immediately said “someone I used to know.”

MANNING-GATE: TEXANS MAKE MATT SCHAUB LINEBACKER

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Houston Texans quartback Matt Schaub admitted he is “willingly shifting to linebacker” and that he “always wanted to play that position” and “loves his family so much and just wants to see them and make sure they are okay.”

YEAHBUHWHAAAAAA?

Heavily armed team officials stood behind the sweaty quarterback, linebacker, letting him know it is “okay” and everything “will be fine as long we all cooperate.”

The Texans just announced this morning they are interested in signing free agent quarterback Peyton Manning since Schaub made “his stunning and definitely out of nowhere” decision.

THE MADNESS: ST. PETER’S ACCIDENTALLY GETS FACEBOOK INVITE TO NCAA TOURNEY

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Best. Party. EVER!

St. Peter’s College was ecstatic this morning upon getting invited to the NCAA Tournament.  However, it was definitely an accident.  NCAA officials have confirmed when creating the guest list to the Dance they accidentally clicked St. Peters, and did not know how to tell the Jesuit University.

“Best case scenario they realize they don’t know anyone in the tournament and don’t show up.  Do you think they’ll come with a friend, like Loyola?”

St. Peters, sadly, is thrilled to finally go to a Dance with the popular kids.  ”OMG! I have never even been in the same room as Syracuse,” said university officials.  Friend Manhattan College begged St. Peters to get them with, especially since “everyone there is gonna get laid!”

NCAA knows this yea’s March Madness will likely be one of the all time greats, regardless of St. Peters’ unintentional involvement.  ”If they show up, fine, but they have to sit in the corner the entire time. They can’t talk with anyone,” said Duke University, throwing it’s arm over girlfriend Louisville and high fiving best bro UNC.

Official invite of the NCAA Tournament

MANNING-GATE: COLTS DRAFT ANDREW LUCK IN MIDDLE OF PEYTON’S FAREWELL SPEECH

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The Indianapolis Colts officially drafted Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck in the middle of Peyton Manning’s farewell speech yesterday.  The Stanford QB is seen as a can’t miss prospect and potential franchise quarterback who can lead the team to multiple Super Bowls.

The scene was not without incident, however; unemployed, former SNL host Peyton Manning stood on the stage at the podium and had to forcibly removed.  He was violently detained for several hours to ensure the safety and health of Luck.

"I would just like to say BADURR and it's BADURR to BADURRRRRRR"

Owner Jim Irsay said he hopes to keep Luck in Indy “forever and ever!”

Manning’s glory days:

MANNING-GATE: MARLINS OFFER PEYTON MANNING 100 MILLION

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He wears his hat like a ballplayer!

The newly rich Miami Marlins offered free agent quarterback Peyton Manning a 5 year, $100 million deal to come play for their baseball franchise.  Manning was released just released yesterday and cannot officially pick a destination until Tuesday at 4pm eastern.  ”We think Peyton would make a great addition to our club,” said President Larry Beinfest.  ”His ability to read the pocket, his rocket arm, plus we think he is fully healed and ready to join our club.”

This is yet another splash made by the Marlins after giving shortstop Jose Reyes 110 million (moving incumbent shortstop Hanley Ramirez to third, he was not pleased), closer Heath Bell 27 million and pitcher Mark Buehrle 58 million.  Most thought Manning would sign with the Dolphins, Cardinals, or any other football team, but the Marlins have been a wild card all off season.

The team is moving Hanley Ramirez to catcher.

TERRELL SUGGS AND BOUNTY HITS, OCEAN’S 11 STYLE

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Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs claims “all teams put bounties on guys, we put out hits, jobs…. a heist, if you will.”  The aggressive defender claims the Ravens go through extensive measures to make sure they get their target during the game.  Suggs adjusted his suit, tie, fedora and claimed he “might” just have another job sometime this week.

“Where you think you’re going?”  said an angry NFL official.

Suggs turned and smile: “Getting the band back together.”

THE HACKER

Ed Reed: The Hacker

Suggs arrived at safety Ed Reed’s house first.  Reed’s known by fans for his physicality, but on the field, he’s a calculating maniac.

Reed: “I thought you were out of the game? Going clean.”

Suggs: “Can’t stay out for too long, the job passes you by.”

They toast and Suggs proposed the mission: a full on hit and heist on Super Bowl winning quarterback Eli Manning.

Reed: “Must be true what they say, you have gone nuts.”

Suggs: “That mean you in?”

Reed: “I’ll get my helmet.”

THE BRUISER

Haloi Ngata: The Brusier

Suggs and Reed entered a crowded casino where Haloti Ngata sat in a Hawaiin t-shirt playing blackjack.

Suggs: “still counting cards I see.”

Ngata: “I don’t know what you’re… Hey! TS! When you get out of Goodell’s shit house?”

Suggs: “As far as he’s concerned I’m still there.”

Ngata: “did the ol’ James Harrison Mop Job, eh? Classic.”

Suggs: “We’re pulling a hit. We need a bruiser.”

Ngata: “A bruiser? Going old school, eh. Classic TS.”

Reed: “You in? Or you too busy with your cards?”

Ngata: “Who’s the kid?”

Suggs: “He’s with me.”

Ngata, holding a King, slips his card over: ACE.  Blackjack.

Ngata: “looks like I’m done here.”

THE VETERAN

Ray Lewis: The Veteran

Suggs, alone now, enters Ray Lewis‘ house.

Lewis: “I know what you’re gonna say.  Answer’s no.”

Suggs: “Come on Ray, we been through a lot.”

Lewis: “I’m too old for this shit!  My body.. it ain’t what it was.”

Suggs: “One last job. For me.”

Suggs hands Lewis a spit covered mouthguard.  Lewis puts it in.

Lewis: “whet’s schoo it.”

The four players all entered the stadium wearing suits, ties and fedoras.

Suggs: “let’s do it.”

PART 11 TOMORROW: THE HEIST!

OMAR LITTLE SENT TO FIND SAINTS’ ‘SNITCH’

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The New Orleans Saints have contracted local badass Omar Little to find out who snitched on their bounty program.  Little, a man known for getting answers and carrying a shotgun, has worked with many franchises before for internal investigations.  ”We are currently trying to find answers on our end,” said Saints coach Sean Payton.  ”We believed Mr. Little can provide a valuable service.  His reputation speaks for itself with his involvement taking down the Barksdale organization, a substantial service taking down the Stanfield organization, obliterating the Wilson organ…” “I ain’t had nothing to do with that,” interrupted Little.  Payton, and everyone, stared at Omar confused and concerned.

“Continue.”

"Jonathan Vilma? We need to have a little talking to."

An NFL investigation alleges the Saints were involved in a bounty program; financial rewards were given to defensive players who hurt opposing players, including possibly ending the careers of Kurt Warner and the first ever Tebow, Brett Favre.  Little has been seen whistling through the Saints facilities searching for those who may have ‘snitched’ on the organization.  He allegedly snuck into the locker room dressed as a janitor, revealing the mop to be a shotgun and demanded answers from several special teams members.

Allegedly.*

*Unrelated: Saints special teams player Byron Tate was recently shot in the leg in the team’s locker room.  

Little refused to disclose whether or not he had any answers or leads; he just stared at me.  Right in the eyes.  I peed… I urinated my pants when he looked at me…

The NFL has no problem with Little surveying the team, so long as he does not interfere with their own investigation.  Last time and NFL squad contacted Omar Little several Seattle Seahawks were involved in severe bribary scandals.*

*Never heard about that did you?  Oh, indeed.

Little wanted it to be known that his investigation will not be called “Omargate.”  When he decides on an appropriate suffix he will find us… who’s whistling?

NEW HD CAMERAS SEE INSIDE SOUL

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Sony has developed a new HD camera designed specifically for sports intended to revolutionize the sports viewing experience.  The HD SS-3000 Vex* will be introduced in the NBA and NHL Playoffs to see if fans respond.  ”These cameras are the future,” said Sony Tech Wizard Tom Gray.  ”The modern viewer has 24/7 sports networks and thousands of blogs disecting every second of the play, now you can witness the player’s thoughts and feelings as it happens.”

*The Hi-Def Soul Searcher 3000 (third generation) Vex (means nothing just added some “pishaw!”). 

The camera views and records each athletes emotions and thoughts as plays form.  ”We intentionally separated ‘thoughts’ and ‘feelings’ into two different categories.  ’Thoughts’ will show what the player is cognitively assessing, like how much further until I reach the rim.  ’Feelings’ allow fans to be there emotionally with their favorite players driving down the lane.”

The cameras were used for a test audience during the recent Heat-Lakers game.  Fans got to watch in a private booth, provided by Sony, and watch the game through their patented HD SS Gogglometers, a high tech eye wear piece designed to help view the deepest darkest, most hidden corners of their favorite players.  Some of the highlights included:

  • Seeing how scared Dwyane Wade was every time Kobe Bryant approached him.
  • Derek Fisher’s insatiable desire to have a slice of pizza the entire game.
  • LeBron seeing himself dressed as Captain America whenever he dunks.
  • What really happened in that hotel room in Colorado in 2003.
Gogglometers view: Avalanche center Ryan O'Reilly driving up center ice: his emotion is "quixotic"

The only setback was two Gogglometers exploding while trying to dissect Metta World Peace.

However, the experiment was a resounding success.  Fans felt closer to the game, almost “ghost-like… a higher being,” according to Stan Perkins, who rubbed his mustache giggling before driving off in his windowless van.

Sports commentators are very excited to find out how this changes the debate world.  Now analysts can confirm which players lack “heart” and are “not all there” in ways never before seen.  Who is clutch?  Who let his team down?  What did he do last night at that night club?  Who’s biggest in the shower?  Essential questions.  Now with answers.

Sony is currently developing new systems to use the cameras with scripted dramas and sitcoms; it will have two modes allowing soul searching of the actor or the character being portrayed.  It is still struggling with “really good actors” such as Dexter’s Michael C Hall and Real Housewives of Atlanta’s Kandi Burruss.

Amazing defense by LeBron! Why is he thinking about water? NO HEART!