Following a Dolphins free agency debacle that could only be described as “analogous to skipping through Sanford in a black hoodie,” This is the Sports contributor and Miami Dolphins supporter Rony Josaphat tried to end his life on Saturday. However he, like Miami GM Jeff Ireland, completely failed in achieving his one simple goal. Of course in this case, the goal wasn’t simply making an underachieving team better, but making his own life worse, by ending it.
Diary entries, corroborated by statements from hospital staff, show that Mr. Josaphat first tried to end his life by “trading away a vital organ,” much like the Fins traded away big-play receiver Brandon Marshall. After doctors refused to take his heart, pancreas, spleen, or lungs, Mr. Josaphat finally convinced the medical staff to let him part with one of his kidneys. The medical staff, however, neglected to tell Josaphat that although the kidney is indeed a vital organ, a full life can be lived with only one of the two all humans are born with. Thus, while Josaphat was discharged fully expecting to drop dead in minutes, he was halfway into his third Whopper Jr.(TM) at the Burger King next door before realizing that he wasn’t as dead as he’d like to be and had, in fact, enriched his life with the notion that he has saved another. ”This,” he was overheard to have said, “must be what Jeff Ireland feels like after his stupidity resulted in a giveaway that did the opposite of what he wanted.”
Later, according to police reports, Mr. Josaphat decided to end his life by spear-fishing in shark-infested waters off the coast of Australia. Josaphat, according to friends, cannot swim, and would rightly meet his end if confronted with an unfavorable situation underwater. Surely enough, he took the plunge and, after about a half-hour of being out of sight of dive master John Purvis, Josaphat was buoyed back to the boat in the middle of a pod of bottlenose dolphins, with his arms full of tasty fish.
“He was clearly frustrated,” Purvis said; “he told me that the dolphins kept him from drowning, kept the sharks away and steered all the fattest fish toward him. He said that this must be how Jeff Ireland felt when he dove into the race to woo Peyton Manning and failed spectacularly as well.” But instead of failing to get a big fish because superior competition ate him alive, Josaphat’s diary elucidates, “I failed to get the superior competition to eat me alive, and instead ended up with all those big fish.”
Finally, Josaphat decided to study up on poisonous foliage native to his current surroundings in Southern California. According to rangers at Topanga Canyon Park, he scoured the mountain paths for hours, looking for dangerous berries. As the sun set and visibility diminished, he decided to grab a fistful of whatever he came upon, and ate it. Much to his chagrin, the berries he ate were toxic, but not life-threatening. After a couple days of convulsions and explosive diarrhea, Josaphat would recover. ”This,” he allegedly whispered to a park ranger, “must be how Jeff Ireland felt like when he tried to get Matt Flynn after losing Peyton Manning, but ended up with David Garrard. Like, ‘nice try, but you’re still a failure and a loser and you suck at life.’”
–Rony Josaphat, who was forced to write this article with a dull crayon as neither sharp objects nor electricity is allowed at his current location.