Numerous groups are vying for the rights to purchase the Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles. The Dodgers were recently put on Craigslist by owner Frank McCourt after failing to sell the team during a garage sale. Following a brief stint on Ebay, the highest bid was lower than the postage, so McCourt pulled the franchise off the table at the last minute.
"I'll throw in the kid.... Name? Whatever you want!"
The Dodgers offer a great deal of historic significance as well as the prestige of owning a Major League Baseball franchise. However, they are gutted to the core, rely on Clayton Kershaw and Matt Kemp on the field, recently had many prospects falter and the best news of the 2011 season was finding out the guy brutally assaulted in the parking lot did not die. But McCourt is not deterred: he recently included free beer in August for the new owner of the franchise, potentially a 4 Miller Lite a night value absolutely free!*
*The stadium has a maximum amount of beers allowed per customer that is non-negotiable.
Baseball icon Joe Torre is reportedly part of an ownership group, as well as Mark Cuban and six guys pooling their cash at a local Denny’s. McCourt will have his accountants check the money to verify it, then confirm with Bud Selig who must approve the sale.
UPDATE 1: Frank McCourt has sold the team to the SIX BEST BUDDIES group of the Denny’s in Van Nuys. The sale is being verified…
UPDATE 2: Yup he’s gone. McCourt just took the cash and ran away. He’s gone.
Linsanity is sweeping New York City and the NBA and the first casualties are Carmelo Anthony and Amare Stoudemire. Point guard Jeremy Lin has infected the league with a rare disease known as “Linsanity” which includes the following symptoms: having an actual point guard, passing, working with a system D’Antoni actually likes, and proving even when they win the Knicks can somehow piss away $36,736,279 in a season. *
*Carmelo Anthony and Amare Stoudemire’s combined salary provided by ESPN.
"Hey do you feel weird?" "My pee is blue." "Oh."
While many are still in the manic or “exciting” stage, looks like the first fatalities of the disease will be Carmelo Anthony and Amare Stoudemire. Both superstars entered the decline phase of the disease yesterday after Lin’s fifth consecutive great performance. Anthony, injured, and Stoudemire, always effing* injured, were sitting on the bench watching a new leader take hold of the Knicks. Both Knicks training staff and the two all-stars knew something was wrong and they were rushed back into the trainer’s office.
The medical staff noticed both Anthony had been inflicted with the decline phase of Linsanity but Stoudemire was far worse. The Knicks ordered Amare be put under in order to avoid further pain; it was an easy call to make. Anthony’s status is unknown. ”We’ll just have to see where this goes,” said coach D’Antoni, “if Linsanity ends we’d be happy to have Carmelo guide us to the 7th seed, if Linsanity continues? We’re just going to have to shoot him like a horse.”