Daily Archives: February 8, 2012

CELTICS SIGN MORE FORMER ALL STARS

Posted on by This Is The Sports

Celtics brass are actively looking to grab more former all-star caliber players before the trade deadline.  The aging roster of flailing ex-greats Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen is just not cutting it this season with a mediocre 14-10 record.  But GM Danny Ainge* is not intimidated: “we are actively seeking ways to upgrade our roster with former All-Stars, or for a lower draft pick,  someone who was remotely decent in as recently as 2002.”

Why is it so cold in here? Do you think they could turn up PICTURE!!

*A man Oklahoma City Thunder fans affectionately call “God-Idiot.”**

**Thanks Perk!

The Celtics are reportedly interested in shell-of-their-former-selves Tracy McGrady,* Ben Wallace, Elton Brand and are interested in getting no-hope-for-himself-unless-he-wants-to-be-embarrassed Allen Iverson.

*Generously named Bleacher Report’s most overrated player way back in 2010!

“When you strike lightning in a bottle, what do you do? You buy more bottles,”  said Danny Ainge methodically trying to perfect Five Finger Fillet on his desk.

This tactic is nothing new: the Spurs are also embracing the wisdom of age and have officially ordered their team to play the rest of the season sitting in recliners complaining about rap music.

Sure this picture has no reason to be in this article BUT IT IS AMAZING!!

Patriots Brass Confirms that Wes Welker was Disciplined after Superbowl Loss

Posted on by fredex57

Vince? Is that you? Vince...?

Patriots’ owner Robert Kraft took to the podium to confirm rumors about a locker room incident featuring several Patriots’ players ganging up on WR Wes Welker.  ”The decision to discipline Wes was mine and mine alone.  I felt that this loss could have been avoided and that the course of action we took was in the best interest of the franchise for the long and short term.  The Patriot Way must and will be upheld as long as I am in control.”

According to earlier reports, Welker was walking out of the shower after the Patriots loss on Sunday when teammates Vince Wilfork and Rob Gronkowski grabbed him, pinned him to the ground, and had Wilfork sit on his stomach with a tennis racket.  After Wilfork got up, Gronkowski emptied an entire bottle of syrup on Welker’s chest.  All while this was happening, fellow teammates were chanting “Awful Waffle!“.  Paramedics were called to the scene by a locker room attendant, but they arrived too late to save Welker from being very sticky and embarrassed.  Welker has not been seen since Superbowl XLVI and calls placed to his management were not returned as of this morning.

Pretty much, yeah.

“Wes is a great friend and teammate.  I would do anything for the man,” said Patriots’ QB Tom Brady, “That being said, he deserved everything that was given to him.  He needs to catch the ball during that situation.  That was our best opportunity of the night…well, aside from me missing Deion Branch on that crossing route, or when I under-threw Gronkowski, or when Hernandez dropped that one at the end, or that safety I took on the first play of the game, or…Shit! Is that Vince?  Is he holding syrup!?”

“I am aware of the situation that occurred Sunday night and I am working with Patriots’ officials to gather all of the facts,” stated NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, “As far as any fines, we may go in a different direction for a punishment.  I’m working with Camp Anawanna Executive Director Dr. Kahn at this time.  He may have the current whereabouts of Zeke the Plumber.  We’ll then put the perpetrators out in the woods with Mr. the Plumber and have them spend the night.  Anyone who has their head plunged will receive a $50k fine.  That’s the idea at least; we’re still firming things up with the NFLPA at this time.”