Western Conference head coach Scott Brooks got a call an hour before the NBA’s All Star Game yesterday: it was Kobe Bryant. ”Tom?” said a bloodied and exhausted Kobe. ”Where the hell are you guys? We have the All Star Game in an hour!” screamed the coach.
“Yeah,” said the Lakers star, “that’s not gonna happen.”
The night before the All Star Game, hot headed cool guy Kobe Bryant, timid and whipped Kevin Durant, goldenboy and fan favorite Steve Nash, and self-proclaimed wild card Blake Griffin, all went out for a few drinks.
Bryant: Let’s go out and celebrate. Just one drink! And don’t let any of this get back to my wife!
Durant: Didn’t she leave you for cheating on her years ago?
Kobe: Guess it’s cool, hey call the maid in here!
The four go to the roof top.
Nash: hey guys, just want to say this is likely my last All Star Game and I’m glad I’m spending it with…
Griffin: SCUSE ME I TALK NOW.
Does this look like an idiot to you? Also: GOLDBLUM SIGHTING!
Griffin awkwardly mumbles through his speech from the Kia commercials while only occasionally needing to read his index cards.
Bryant: all right guys, let’s go out….
YOU ALL SAW THE FUCKING HANGOVER AND THE SHIT SEQUEL THEY DRINK AND WAKE UP IN A PILE OF SHIT WITHOUT STEVE NASH.
Durant: Oh shit, I got a tattoo! Russell Westbrook’s gonna be so pissed. He’s gonna get one just like it only bigger and more obnoxious!
Bryant: We need to find Steve! Check your pockets!
Bryant has 6 poo covered condoms, Griffin can’t figure out why his shorts “got holes in the sides!” and Durant finds 50 text messages from Greg Oden. They go to the hospital. Greg Oden lies in a hospital bed with two doctors performing surgery on each knee.
Oden: You don’t remember? You were here last night!
Bryant/Durant/Griffin: SAY WHA?
Oden: Yeah, Kobe got his face beat in by Dwyane Wade and suffered a concussion. And Blake drank a carton of milk he found in the street.
Griffin: DA MILK GOOD YUMMY TIME.
Oden: Exactly, look you need to find Nash. Maybe check Mike Tyson’s house or just get hit by a random car.
They check Mike Tyson’s house. Hilarious, but no dice. He and Kobe get in a long discussion about how important the word ‘allegedly’ is. Blake finds and fights a tiger. No one knows how or why he did this but he calls it Kendrick Perkins and dunks on it. Heather Graham shows her boobs.
They leave and get hit by a car.
Durant: WE JUST GOT HIT BY A CAR!
Ken Jeong’s Penis: Hey guys! LOOK AT ME! I’m Linsane!
He eats Ben and Jerry’s Linsanity ice cream with the fortune cookie still inside.
Ken Jeong’s Penis: You want to see your friend again? Meet me in the middle of the desert. And bring $50,000!
They all pull $50,000 out of their pockets.
Ken Jeong’s Penis: Okay, here he is!
Out comes Charles Barkley.
Charles Barkley: I’m not Steve Nash! This is turrble!
Mike Tyson and Kendrick Perkins Tiger attack and kill Ken Jeong’s Linsane Penis and Charles Barkley. Bryant calls Scott Brooks. Like from before. You read it two seconds ago I am not copying and pasting it here.
Griffin: I ‘MEMBER WITH MY BRAINPARTS STEVE NASH IS ON ROOF!
Steve Nash sleeps on the roof. They all find him.
Bryant: What are you doing here?
Nash: All Canadians sleep outside!
Durant: THE GAME!
The play in the Game. West wins. Kobe’s face is smashed by Wade. Durant wins MVP. Blake slice sopen his hand with a knife. They all try to do this again in a year, basically the exact same way only grosser, and fail miserably disappointing everyone. Mike Tyson dances!