MASCOT CONTROVERSY EMBROILS HARLEM WHITE DEVILS

"Honky," the Harlem White Devil

With the US economy still in a slump, many New York basketball fans are turning to minor league games as an alternative to pricey Knicks or Nets tickets. However, the rising popularity of one local team, the Harlem White Devils of upper Manhattan, has some critics accusing the franchise’s mascot of promoting harmful racial stereotypes.

The White Devil, or “Honky,” as he is affectionately nicknamed, is a pink-faced demon dressed in a red turtleneck and corduroy slacks. He regularly appears on-court prior to the start of games at the Devils’ home stadium, Farrakhan Arena, and is known for drawing laughter and jeers from the crowd with his trademark dance, an exaggeratedly awkward and rhythm-less variation on the Robot. He also occasionally tosses packages of Saltines into the stands.

Even after Honky leaves the court and the actual game has gotten underway, spectators can often be heard shouting “Kill Whitey!”, a chant that confusingly seems to be used mostly by Devils fans themselves.

Jim Emmons, director of the National Association for the Advancement of White People*, argues that the Devils are reinforcing negative perceptions of European-Americans. “When you have a performance like this,” Mr. Emmons said, “being played out in front of a majority-black audience, on behalf of an all-black team, I think it’s clear what kind of message that sends. This is just one more example of American culture’s typically disrespectful attitude towards Caucasians.” When pressed to name other examples, Emmons stuttered for a moment before citing “you know, that one Wayans brothers movie.” Emmons could not recall the film’s title but confirmed that he was not thinking of 2006′s Little Man.

Not offensive

Devils manager Tyrone Jackson says critics are misinterpreting the mascot’s significance.

“We’re not being derogatory,” Jackson said in an interview Friday. “Our name and our mascot are respectful tributes to the Caucasian heritage. I want the team to play like the white man. I want them to emulate his strongest qualities: His shrewdness, his cunning. His ability to undermine and betray everyone around him for his own benefit. His tiny, tiny penis. I’m sorry, what was your question again?”

The Harlem brouhaha is reminiscent of a similar controversy that confronted Howard University, which recently abandoned its football team’s white mascot, Howie the Rapacious Imperialist.

Still, if accusations of insensitivity have cast a shadow on the Devils’ reputation, they’ve had no apparent effect on the team’s ticket sales. The bleachers were packed for last night’s game against the East Midwood Palestinians, and although the majority of the Harlem supporters in attendance were black, there were a few white fans as well, including Alan Czaplinski, 26, of 136th St. When asked about the controversy, Mr. Czaplinski seemed unconcerned.

“They’re four and one this season,” Mr. Czaplinski said before shrugging his shoulders and turning his attention back to the game.

*Yes, there really is an NAAWP. Google it yourselves, we’re not linking to it.

CRICKET MATCH ENTERS RECORD-SETTING 4th CENTURY

Known for their ponderous length, cricket matches have been OH DEAR GOD JUST CALL IT A TIE ALREADY.

A cricket match between the Commonwealth of Australia and the Republic of India inaugurated its 300th anniversary today, making it the longest contest in the history of the sport by 34 seconds. The milestone was marked at 9:00 GMT by continuing the silence that has been characteristic of the game since the last surviving player died in 1762.

Deadlocked since that year at 376,897,098,983, 765,865,176,708 to Deadlocked since that year, neither side has expressed desire to concede the match. In fact, when asked whether his team’s odds of winning had dwindled due to the demise of its players, the Mayor of Australia quipped, “You think we’re just going to forfeit because all of our players died a long time ago? Let me tell you something, if these brave Australian cricketers had adopted that kind of give-up attitude at the start, they’d all have died a long time — Oh. I see what you mean.”

Posed the same question, the President of India responded, “We’re confident we’ll come out on top. Indians are known for their strong constitutions, and as soon as this little irrevocable death bug passes, the whole team will be raring to go.”

The cricket pitch, circa 1900.

High-ranking officials aren’t the only ones buzzing about this landmark event; anthropologists are getting in on the fun as well. Several were out on the pitch today, including Carl Sweetney: “Look at how funny they did things back then! They spell ‘Australia’ with YE on the scoreboard. A-U-S-T-R-A-L-Y-E. Australye! Classic!”

Evidently, this tricentennial has reignited Australia and India’s respective interests in cricket, interests the Mayor of Australia does not want to see wane: “Don’t make us go back to rugby. It hurts. It hurts so bad.”

"Please sir, I don't have any more teeth to give!"

METS FRANTICALLY TRYING TO STOP PLAYERS FROM KILLING SELVES

New York Mets personnel are frantically trying to stop Mets players from killing themselves.  Knuckleballer and default ace R.A. Dickey announced he was going to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro this offseason; however, he told teammates he intended to jump off once he gets to the top.  ”My entire Mets career has been one daredevil stunt after another.  Honestly, merely walking on to the mound at Citifield seemed like a death sentence.”

Dickey’s stunt is not an isolated incident.  David Wright has been seen in starting fights in biker bars along the New Jersey Turnpike and Route 22.  The former All Star hopes a good maiming will derail his Mets career forever.  ”The past two seasons I have been experimenting with drugs and juggling knives in the locker room.  And all I did was drop off a few home runs?  Time to get drastic.”  Many Mets players claimed new Marlins shortstop Jose Reyes used to put forks in electrical sockets “every chance he got.”  The Marlins report no such problems.

R.A. Dickey searching for snakes to "lather up in"

Mets officials reached pitcher Johan Santana‘s home only to have the former Cy Young winner run away from them attempting to light himself on fire.  Sanatana, who has carried lighter fluid with him at all times since joining the Amazins’, claims he misplaced the fluid must have been replaced with regular water by someone else.  Team officials tackeld the pitcher and brutally beat him into submission to save him from himself.   When Johan woke up in the hospital, he was told he had a torn MCL and ACL.

The Mets expect the injury to “heal up in 3 to 4 days!”