"Smile Jeff" "It's Chris" "Shut the fuck up Jeff"
In a shocking deadline move Bo Van Pelt and Rickie Fowler have swapped caddies. The two world ranked challengers admitted their current slumps called for a change; both caddies were stunned. “Never thought I’d leave that squad ya know,” said one of the teary eyed nameless caddies.* “The team, the bag, the clubs, the golfer… classy organization through and through.” Considering both bag carriers’ current high salaries, which is insane, Van Pelt will also receive a minor league caddy or a high numbered iron to be named later. After completion of the trade neither golfer remembered which caddy was his.
Both caddies cried.
- Mike Sweeney
*He insisted on giving us a name. We insisted we will forget, it does not matter caddy.
Young, hotshot Toronto Blue Jays general manager Alex Anthopoulos is rebuilding his family starting today; the GM traded away his entire family for prospects. Gone in the fire-sale was wife Mary, 33, son James, 8 and daughter Amy, 4. There was a lot of excitement for the Anthopoulos family coming into the 2011 year, however, after a horrific collapse late in the year a shakeup was inevitable.
"I told you call me 'Daddio!'"
Mary, the face of the franchise, was vying for a new contract to show she still had something left in the tank. After a September fender bender, numerous overcooked steaks and a nasty fight with sister Angie, it was clear Mary was out. “Some call it stubbornness but I stick with what I know,” said mary regarding her unwillingness to switch from T-Mobile to Verizon. “It’s worked this whole time. Why change now?”
The kids fared no better. Fans questioned whether Anthopoulos was putting too much faith in the young ones this season, but he supported through spring training. “If we didn’t believe in them we never would’ve sent them out there.” James hit ninth all year on his summer baseball team while playing a “very deep” left field. Amy, expected to star in the school play, was instead recast as a munchkin. “Sure she was reliable, but definitely not what we wanted,” said the disappointed father.
Anthopoulos sent them to a family in Pittsburgh for up and coming Nick, 13, possible wife-older daughter swingman in Veronica, 21, and a prospect to be named later. “We were lacking a veteran presence last year. I think 2012 is going to be great for the entire Anthopoulos organization. Family. I meant family.”
- Mike Sweeney