INTENSE KICK BALL GAME STILL CHILDISH

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A group of neighborhood adults had a intense game of kick ball late last night.  Despite the hustle, organization and training for the event, onlookers agreed it was pretty “silly.” The “athletes,” comprised of neighborhood dads and two or three moms, created a charity kickball game three years ago; however, tensions grew between each side grew.

Numerous parents began intense physical training, pushing their middle aged bodies to the limit.  Some would power walk as many as four miles a day (every two days for those with younger kids), others finally put their elaborate home gyms to the test.

But when all was said and done, most of the spectators still went to watch “neighborhood kickball.”  Many did not even notice the “obvious” training; most did not even watch the game.  There were complimentary beers and snacks on the sideline where many onlookers stayed.

The competitors swore this was all jealously since half there were finally cuts this year.

After the game the parents revealed all proceeds for the charity were spent on personal trainers and in one case, steroids.

CRACK ADDICTS SAD JOSH HAMILTON DERAILED CAREER

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Crack addicts nationwide are dissapointed that former star Josh Hamilton’s career has fallen apart due to involvement with Major League Baseball.  ”He was so young, so powerful,” said Sniffles, a Detroit crack addict with six teeth.  ”He was a hall of famer,* the next Winehouse.”  From the second Hamilton picked up the pipe and laced up his soleless shoes people knew he was a once in a lifetime prodigy.

*Located in Covington, Kentucky.  

Powerful, NSFW image right there.

Unfortunately, few knew about his secret involvement with baseball.  Throughout high school Hamilton became initiated with the sport, ignoring hard drugs of all kinds for years.  Then he turned pro for a few years, shocking everyone.  Weezy Joe: “To have him overcome such a heavy distraction was amazing.  He dabbled with baseball for years but with the help of some friends he was able to put it behind him.”

However, Hamilton relapsed in 2007.  He dabbled with baseball for about half a season with the Reds before falling completely down the rabbit hole with the Texas Rangers.   ”I haven’t been this upset since Bobby,” says lifetime, one legged hobo Chuck “Momo” Morrison, former sidewalk and bus-mate of Robert Downey, Jr.

TORONTO BLUE JAYS PLAN ON BEING OKAY FOR YEARS TO COME

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The 23-19 Toronto Blue Jays continue their excellent streak of decent play in 2012, a streak they have maintained since 2005.  The proud Canadian mediocrity holds the streak dear to their hearts.  ”Being meh is something we’re extremely proud of,” said general manager Alex Anthopoulos.  ”We want it to continue.”

“Could’ve been better but you did your best!”

Numerous Blue Jays greats visited their Spring Training practice facility to remind the guys to do their “enough-est” but not to get hurt, but if you make it halfway through what was going to be an amazing season.

The Blue Jays are here to stay right in the middle.  Look out American League.

ACROSS THE POND: MACHESTA CITY AND CHELSEA WIN!

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Archie Walkenshire writes for TITS’ segment: Across The Pond.   Archie is a mutt of the UK consisting of English, Scottish and Welsh ancestry.  After attending numerous prestigious boarding schools, Archie has traveled the world exploring sports in unfamiliar terrain; never forgetting his trade-mark charm.  

Manchesta City finally gave a good glob trobblin to them cunts over at United.  Chant united now you blook hordey fuckalls!!

Consume the one who scored!!

Now that’s a tosty icicle if you eva shoved one down your yappers!  City ain’t had the title since 1969: the year I was born.  My first memory is me mum shoving her teet in my mouf as I watch Man City win the cup and the glory!  My next memory did not come until 4 years later, but I forgot all them from binge drinking and concussions.

And now Chelsea CHELSEA! CHEL! SEA! wins the UEFA Cup in penalty kicks. ARE YOU WANKING SAUSAGE GRINDING ME!?!?!?! Penalty kicks is like aving no footy at all.  ”All right boys, line up, pull up yer skirts and kick one frew dem wickets ahead!”

DAT’S NOT FOOTY.

Footy’s about grace, determination and moltov cocktails hitting school children! It’s a game of constant running and survival.  If any sport could be a fiery riot, it would be football.  American Football would be a MASH unit.

I write this sitting in a pub writing on napkins wif a my quill pen in one hand and a bowie knife in the other!  Once I finish this I’ma turn this city into 28 Days Later!

FUCK OFF YOU CUNTS!!

“HUNTER” VOTED LACROSSE-IEST NAME

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In a recent player’s poll between all collegiate athletes, “Hunter” was voted the most “lacrosse” sounding name.  It combines the modern “uniqueness” that is so popular among parents these days with the mix of suburban prep school safety.

All Star LAX player Hunter Palmeiri

Lacrosse has been dominating recent player polls:

  • Voted most likely to have players with Phish tattoos
  • Most like hockey without having foreigners
  • Easiest to play in Hollister shirts

Notably, 62% of all lacrosse players are named Hunter or Josh.

BRYCE HARPER YOUNGEST DOUCHEBAG IN MLB HISTORY

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Bryce Harper is officially the youngest douchebag in MLB history.  The Washington Nationals 19 year old centerfielder is playing remarkably well for his age, and sure is acting like he’ll be a douchebag for years to come.

That a bro? He coming at me?

It took Alex Rodriguez years to fully realize his douche potential, but Harper does not require big money or a key media market to act like a dickhead.  Late last night the phenom hit a home run and demanded his teammates carry him “chariot style” across the diamond; a gesture not seen since Manny Ramirez left the Red Sox.

Many say it was his hard work in the minors that made him such an insufferable prick.  He really made his mark by showboating, posing after home runs and blowing a kiss to a pitcher before he made it to the majors.  Experts expect him to demand teammates be traded through the media as early as next season.

“I wouldn’t be shocked if he started jerking off after every home run,” says ESPN’s John Kruk.  ”We haven’t seen that since Gary Sheffield‘s hey day.”

If anyone can remove his penis on the field of play and spend 3 to 4 minutes stroking himself until ejaculation, it is Bryce Harper.

AVENGERS CUT HAWKEYE

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The superteam the Avengers cut resident archer Clint “Hawkeye” Barton.  Barton most recently appeared with the Avengers saving New York City from a Chitauri invasion, playing the questionable role of shooting “maybe thousands” enemy soldiers during the bout.

“People say I can’t throw my weight around but I killed probably a million,” said a glowing Hawkeye after the battle. “And to think I got away scratch free.”  Poorly timed statements considering Thor, Hulk, Iron Man, Captain America and Black Widow were all carted out of the city in emergency vehicles.

“WE DID IT! ALL OF US!”

The Avengers say they cut the long time teammate after needing cap room to extend breakout star The Hulk, who typically demands a roster spot (and contract) for second personality Bruce Banner.

New teams are few and far between for Barton. His best chance is latching on with the Amazing Spiderman as a possible sidekick, a role he is well suited for.  The X-Men recently had a firesale and want to see where their current draft picks take them before making financial commitments.  The Dark Knight has been a vocal proponent of no assistance, so that is out.

Perhaps he could have a solo squad.

Black Widow was a vocal proponent of Barton for weeks until she saw Captain America and Thor without their shirts on.  She declined to comment.

Hulk contemplate abilities to translate this skill into the workplace.

JEWISH GOLFER SPENDS 40 YEARS IN SANDTRAP

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Jewish professional golfer David Sherman spent the last 40 years lost in a small sand trap just outside the 15th green.  Sherman finally exited the bunker early this morning looking old, haggard and exhausted.

“I think I see my ball! It’s ten years that way!”

40 years ago to the day Sherman decided to layup his shot with a 6 iron; a risky move that his caddy at the time thoroughly discouraged.  ”There was a group behind us in a hurry, and we couldn’t let them pass us,” says Sherman.  ”My people have been through enough.  We will not turn back.”

Sherman hooked it slightly as the ball landed longer than the golfer intended: dead center of the bunker.  Sherman embarked on his journey with his caddy searching for the ball.  Thus his adventure began.

The caddy questioned Sherman’s knowledge of the bunker, saying they could easily take two steps to the right.  Sherman relented.  ”I call the shots.”

When he finally got the “promised land” or the 15th green, Sherman said all he wants to do is make par.  The caddy died.

“I’m not sure this is the way, I’m gonna turn around”

KYLE BUSCH WANTED TO DRIVE DURING KENTUCKY DERBY

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Racing psychopath driver Kyle Busch is livid he could not participate in Saturday’s Kentucky Derby.  I’ll Have Another won the infamous horse racing Saturday afternoon with a furious Busch in attendance.

“See him tailing some of them other horses right ‘fore the end?” screamed Busch.  ”If I was on that track he’d regret it, I’d bump him.  That’s racing.  I ain’t afraid to bump a horse with my car.”

Busch’s car / house / weapon

Busch arrived at the track with his crew, car and racing tights ready to participate.  The competitor is always willing to race in any event at any time.  Busch is infamous for barging into random men’s rooms and and finish urinating before anyone else already there, regardless of whether they started at the same time.

“Life’s a race,” said Busch double fisting two Red Bulls.  ”Always got to compete… Ya’ll got some cocaine?”